Evelyn: Grief is a funny thing

出事後才發現我身邊有多少人也是失去過孩子. 我很感謝她們作為過來人在共同的痛苦中分享了經驗. 有位朋友形容哀悼很奇怪, 有時候真的感覺好像沒事了, 一切都過了, 甚至笑得很開心, 但下一陣就可以被悲哀(甚至憤怒)充滿. 我現在就在經歷這些. 挑著孩子的骨灰盒, 可以調侃能選的字體太醜, 或是小小的陶罐居然要$200起跳, 乾脆找陶藝社自己拉一個, 但是沒多久又被不甘所充滿, 想要把這一切都砸碎, 打爛.

After the accident I was reminded of how many of my friends have had losses as well. I am so thankful for these women coming together to share their wisdom in our shared grief. One of my friends reminded me that grief is strange: sometimes we’d feel that we are through it, and we can even laugh. But the next moment we can be filled with overwhelming sorrow, and even rage. I’m experiencing some of that. Picking out her urn, at one moment I can laugh at the funny looking fonts, or that these little clay jars start at $200 (might as well go make one myself), but the next moment I can be filled with grief and anger, wanting to smash all of these into pieces.

現在哭的時間其實很少了, 大多數時候我們真的很好. 不過前幾晚在孩子的房間裡哭了一場. 從出生到離世的兩個多月, 我與孩子基本上都在這個房間裡度過. 坐在床上滿滿的回憶撲面而來. 我意識到我沒有想像中的大度. 之前在跟孩子解釋福音時, 有個比喻是如此的: 若世界上面有一種必死的病, 每人都感染了, 只有你獨生子的血可以救所有人; 但若要救, 這孩子就必須犧牲; 如果這孩子願意替死--你願治這病嗎？ 這就是把基督比喻成這孩子, 讓人思想救恩的代價. 之前讀到這比喻時, 自己覺得正確的選擇很明顯--若犧牲一人能成就所有人, 為何不？ 更何況基督會死裡復活, 短期的離別帶來永恆的生命, 這根本像是穩賺不賠的選擇.

We actually don’t cry very frequently anymore. Most of the time, I do feel OK. But a few nights ago, I broke down in the nursery. We spent most of her life together in the nursery. I sat on the bed and memories came rushing in, flooding me with the reality that she is gone. I realized that I’m not as altruistic as I previously thought. When preparing the kids for baptism last Easter, there was this allegory: imagine that there was a disease that has infected every person in the world so they will all die. However, your son’s blood alone can save them. Yet saving the world means he will certainly die—if your son were willing, would you sacrifice him? I used to think that the right answer is obvious, especially given that we knew Jesus would resurrect. Lose your child now, and get both your child back while others were saved. Win-win.

當時癱坐在Ce的床上, 我意識到若神給我選擇, 我絕對會要Ce現在健康的活著. 要等到以後天堂再見實在太久了. 還我Ce, 別人怎麼樣管他的. 我要她.
但當那股憤怒的潮流褪去, 我的心也知道, 現在還是有選擇的. 可以選擇在哀傷中沈淪, 以自殘的方式用悲痛溺斃自己. 還是把這死亡的重擔交給神, 讓祂替我擔. 畢竟, 祂也經歷過喪子之痛.

馬太11:28-29凡勞苦擔重擔的人可以到我這裡來，我就使你們得安息。我心裡柔和謙卑，你們當負我的軛，學我的樣式；這樣，你們心裡就必得享安息。

But sitting on Ce’s bed I now know that if God were to give me a choice, I would choose my child. To hell goes everyone else, but only Ce is our daughter. I don’t want to wait until heaven.
Yet, as the wave of anger recedes, my heart does know what I can still choose. I can chose to drown in sorrow and wallow in pain, or I can choose to trust and have God share my burden. After all, He has also lost a son before.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” Matthew 11:28-29